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I've been so busy with work and life that I've almost quit writing my blog entirely. It's not my aim to quit writing, though. I've got a list of blog posts in mind: religion/spirituality, living on my own, job excitement and distress, teaching, traveling, friends. . . but every day leaves me without anything put down. It could be the incessant working 48 hours a week, the lesson planning, the house cleaning . . . oh yeah, and the string of interesting dates, dinner parties, reunions, and chats with friends that keep me pretty busy, too! I don't regret moving here for a second, though! My dad is an hour away, my mom about the same, most of my closest friends are nearby, and I'm coming into my own as a noveau Raleigh-ite. I am, however, vastly bereft of self-reflection time, which I desperately need more of.

I've joined a "Life Story Group" at my church. We are a group of four women who meet about once a month at one of our houses to talk about our lives. One week it's one person's turn, and the rest of us sit quietly (or interject occasionally if something particularly interesting is said) as she starts wherever she feels comfortable and guides us through her life ups and downs until the present. We started in February and just finished number three two weeks ago. This Tuesday it's my turn. I wanted to be super prepared for this Confession/Story-Telling, as I feel that so much has happened in the last 30 years that needs to be told. Unfortunately, because of all of the above, I feel not quite ready. Perhaps chronological order is the only way to tackle it: that way I won't miss anything.

One day my life is going to slow down enough for me to have time to write regularly, reflect more, breathe deeper . . . and that day will come soon! I have a 3-day retreat for myself set aside the first weekend in May. I look forward to relaxing, and then to bring that into my everyday life.

Write soon.

Poems

One class assignment is to write a poem about a time when you were waiting to do something, or a time just before something was about to happen. Here are my favorites (in no particular order):

"I Got Arrested"
November 1, 2012

Once in winter
I ran, I tried to get away
It was cold and windy in that winter night
Everything was dark except for me
Blue and white light of the police cars all over
I tried to hide and get away
Everyone around me was scared and asking me where to go
And following me while the police were running after us
I felt adrenaline going through me
I felt scared, nervous, and mad
I knew that very soon they were going to catch up
And everything was going to be over
And I ended up in a green and white jumpsuit
with a $910,000 bond.
(L.A., 17)

"My Father's Murder"
September 2, 1986

Once in summer
I sat around the table with my brothers and sisters
It was raining
Everything was black for me
I only cried
Everyone around me was crying
I felt confused
I knew that everything would be slow forever
And nothing has closed, because I remember my father forever.
(I.G., 39)

"Divorce"
July 1997

Once in summer
I wanted the time to go fast
But it went slow because it was hot
Everything was good
I was at the club at night
Everyone around me was boring
I felt happy
I knew that very soon I would be coming to my freedom
But I would lose my daughter.
(L.G., 37)

"Wedding"
Summer 2010

Once in the summer
I was sitting on the table drinking some tequila
It was sunny and hot
Everything was blue, gray, and white
I got up and staggered over to my friends
Everyone around me was happy and having a good time
I felt excited and happy
I knew that very soon I would have to drive home
And I knew I couldn't cuz I was drunk.
(D.G., 21)

"Christmas"
December 24, 2011

Once in winter
I stood in the middle of my living room waiting to open my present
It was cold
Everything was red, white, and green
I was talking to my cousins
Everyone around me was smiling and clapping
I felt very excited
I knew that very soon I would be spending it
And another party would start.
(J.R., 18)

"First Day of School"
August 25, 2012

Once in summer
I stood outside waiting for the school bus
It was a nice warm morning
Everything was green and tropical
I was talking to my brother
Everyone around me was murmuring and staring at me
I felt strange and scorned at the same time
I knew soon it would be over
And the day would end nicely.
(L.D., with points for using two vocabulary words, "scorn" and "murmur")

"First Day of School"
January 7, 2013

Once in winter
I took a shower and I got ready
It was kind of cold
Everything was orange and white and gray
I was looking around
Everyone around me was sleeping and snoring
I felt excited
I knew that very soon I was about to meet other people
And get out of the dorm.
(P.P., 30)

I'll Be In Jail If You Need Me

You remember that one of my ESL classes takes place in the county jail. I started teaching a group of adults there in September 2012--all Hispanic men from various Spanish-speaking countries, who had been in the U.S. for anywhere from 5 to 20 years. The youngest one was 27 or 28 and the oldest well into his 50s. Except for the occasional wisecrack, class went smoothly and for the most part, was really fun.

This semester they've added juveniles to my class load, plus more adults, so I have 14 guys over 25 plus 6 kids between the ages of 17 and 21. Some of these kids have been in the U.S. since they were just babies, so the U.S. is all they know. Some of them speak English better than Spanish, and I think most (if not all) are/were some kind of gang members. They're full of tattoos, piercings (using plastic pieces of a broken comb as jewelry now that they can't get to whatever they had before coming to jail), and huge personalities. I'm not afraid of any of them; they're basically all good kids, it's just that they act like the teenagers they are.

And they make teaching really difficult for me. I'm not good at classroom management: that's one of the reasons why I went into adult education instead of working at a public K-12 school. I want to teach students who want to learn. I know the guys who are in my class do want to learn, but they want to play, too. I feel like I need to have a tighter rein on disruptive behavior. Which isn't even anything I want to deal with!

Also, since they've come in, I feel the double weight of teaching English plus shaping futures. I feel like I'm teaching half a regular adult ESL class, and half 9th grade remedial English. The kids can speak English fine, but their writing is atrocious. I know I'm not a social worker anymore, but I want to do something to change these kids' futures while there's still time. But what can I do besides re-read Literacy With An Attitude and think about Paulo Freire? I never took any special education classes, or how to teach English literature classes. All I know is ESL . . .

One of my younger guys told me today that he's needed glasses for a while. "I always sat in the back at school," he said. "But I couldn't see anything, and the teacher, she never moved me, so I just quit coming after a while." I wonder if he would have still ended up in the Wake County Detention Center if he would have gotten glasses in middle school? That might be too much to ask, but just wondering . . .

What a change in students I've had over the past six months! The switch from co-teaching at a Japanese junior high school to being in charge of a program that serves immigrants and refugees from all over the world has been a big one. Even the mistakes they're making in English are worlds apart, worthy of a separate post.

In the meantime, give me some strategies for working with a multi-leveled, multi-aged class of kids and adults who have been in and out of the correctional system, but who are still trying to dream big. How can I help them without going crazy in the meantime?

Dating Tips

(Yep. All of these are true stories.)

1. Don’t send me an unsolicited picture of yourself taken with one hand in the bathroom mirror of a public bathroom, and then ask me if I want another one of you with your shirt off. I don’t.
2. Don’t be petulant if I turn you down for a date. Acting like a spoiled child and mouthing off just proves that I did the right thing by refusing.
3. Don’t talk about buying me sexy pajamas when I just met you three weeks ago. That is not hot. 
4. Don’t try to get me to meet your parents, godchild, or any other member of your family when we just met. That is a precipitous move on your part.
5. Don’t text me using “u” for “you” if you’re trying to ask me on a date. Take the effort to type the “y-o.”
6. Don't think buying me cheesecake is a way into my pants (it's not).
7. Don't call me at 2:00 in the morning and try to have a serious relationship-defining conversation, especially if you've been drinking. Or even at 5:55 p.m. when I'm trying to walk out the door.
8. While we're at it, don't show up drunk on my doorstep at 3:00 in the morning and tell me you love me. Somehow, I don't think that's romantic. 
9. Don't send me a woebegone mix CD to make me feel sorry for you. I don't. 
10. Quit sending me selfies!!! 

On the other hand:

1. Bring me an unexpected coffee from Starbucks once in a while. That's super thoughtful. And I love coffee. 
2. Yes, send me a beautiful flower arrangement that completes my living room decor! I love flowers! But then give me something totally practical, like a car phone charger or a roll of trash bags, because that's also necessary and just as appreciated. I'll see if I can get you some Reese's Pieces and some American Spirits in exchange . . .  
3. Be totally honest and open from the get-go. Lay all your cards out on the table and I'll do the same. If we freak out, if we think we're not compatible, if we discover the other person is crazy, at least we won't have wasted much time on unnecessaries. However, we might just find that skipping all the facades makes for a better relationship. 
4. Do sweet things for absolutely no other reason than that it makes me happy. Secretly take my broken $10 ring to a jeweler to fix because you know I want to wear it. Bring me a surprise bottle of Maker's Mark after I spill mine all over the floor. Show me with every little action that you think I'm awesome. Because I think you're amazing.  

Adjusting

I want to give a big shout-out to the JET Program. Over in Japan, I was living high on the hog, making more than I ever had in my entire life, teaching only a few classes a day, traveling around the country several times a month, riding my environmentally-friendly bicycle all over town, and holding onto a social calendar so packed that I ended up turning down more invitations than I accepted. It was a great way to live out the last two years of my 20s and I am infinitely grateful to have had that experience.  

Fast forward to USA 2012: my full-time and part-time jobs combined don’t give me even near what I got from Ojisan Sa-mu, even though I’m teaching twice as much (26 hours of instruction time a week). I teach a morning class at the Wake County Detention Center, an afternoon ESL class in the dot-on-the-map town of Wendell, and a night class twice a week in southwest Raleigh. Before I moved into the city limits, I was living with a friend 20 miles outside of Raleigh and driving near about 100 miles a day. I’d have to fill up my gas tank three times a week. I look at the 8,000 miles I’ve driven since August and think, so much for environmentally-friendly living, huh?

But, surprisingly enough, I am immensely satisfied with my life right now. I feel, for the first time in my life, like a real adult. Despite the fact that I was married for four years and lived alone in Japan for two, I still felt vaguely like an imposter. Like I wasn’t really a grown-up. This time, though, I feel fully in control of my life, and happy about it. I’ve moved into a trendy new apartment by myself, I’m meeting new and fun people, I’m back in touch with my family on both sides, the wealth of wonderful friends I have in Greensboro haven’t forgotten about me, and I’ve got Target, Harris Teeter, Costco, Starbucks, two interstates, a fantastic library, and a park all within a five-mile radius of my house.

I haven’t lived by myself in the U.S. since 2004, when I graduated from college. Luckily, where I live now is a far cry from the cramped studio apartment I had on Mendenhall Street, and even more different than my tatami-matted place at 803-5 Munadaka-machi, but it’s still a strange feeling to be on my own again after all this time. My furniture at present only includes two desks, a bookshelf (that my kind upstairs neighbor put together for me), one living room chair, and a mattress on the floor. A kitchen table, couch, TV, dresser, and all those other necessary accoutrements will have to come later. After my next paycheck. 

In the meantime, you'll find me eating dinner on a tablecloth on the dining room floor, preparing for my many classes, and enjoying the feeling of settling down to another adventure back at home. 

....

Don't go away...I'll write more soon!

The Great Job Hunt

OK, I’ll spare you the suspense: I have a job. Two jobs, actually, one full-time and one part-time.

Back in April, back in Japan, I started job-hunting and found an open position for ESL Instructor at a community college in North Carolina. I was invited for an interview, but as I was still 6,000 miles away and they weren’t into Skype, I was put on hold indefinitely.

The same thing happened with two other organizations I applied for. One was a social worker-esque job working for the State of North Carolina in Durham and the other was for a non-profit in Raleigh that I was strongly drawn to. Both were interested in me but neither wanted to hire me until they saw me in the flesh.

Two days after moving back to NC in August, I had a face-to-face interview with the community college folk and was hired on the spot. I started teaching Level 1 ESL two nights a week two weeks later. Then I was asked to sub during a day class in Garner four mornings a week. I was really enjoying the classes, but amusing myself between 12:30 and 6:30 p.m. in south Raleigh without driving back to my house 35 miles away was difficult. Plus it was still part-time (18 hours a week) and not quite enough to support me.

I was getting headaches thinking about how to fill in the afternoons . . . contractual medical interpreting? Nope, I couldn’t pass the phone screenings. Tutoring? With only one student, it hardly was worth it to drive there. I really needed a full-time job.

Then they both came at once. I saw an open position at the organization in Durham on Craiglist and landed an interview. When they offered me the job, the salary was $6,000 less than I’d been quoted, but the benefits were good and I’d be able to speak Spanish every day. I was scheduled to start training on Monday.

But on the Friday afternoon before I was going to start, I got an email from the non-profit in Raleigh, asking me if I was still interested in working with them! A position had suddenly become open and they were hiring fast.

How many hours of anguish did I spend that weekend, agonizing over this decision! I knew I’d rather work in Raleigh than Durham, but do I really quit one job before it starts, just for the promise of an interview at the other one, not knowing how much I’d make or what my responsibilities would entail? Do I start working on Monday and maybe quit by the end of the week, despite the hours of training they would have invested in me? Did I tell either of my potential employers what the situation was? What was the moral, ethical, legal thing to do? Damn the timing!

In the end, I couldn’t lie. I emailed my new supervisor (who had only met me once, at our interview) and told her I had accepted another interview, and if that I meant I shouldn’t come in to work on Monday morning, I understood. She wrote back a brief but professional reply, completely expected, telling me good luck with the interview and that she was sorry my career choice didn’t fit in with her organization.  

So it was that I walked into Tuesday’s interview with absolutely nothing to fall back on if it didn’t go well. As things turned out, though, I was offered the job the very next morning, and was asked to start work the day after! I’ll be teaching two ESL classes four times a week and be in charge of creating a curriculum to use with them. I’m really excited about the responsibility, experience, and freedom this job will give me.

Of course, I wonder if I was stupid for giving up a state job that offered a better salary and benefits to work at a non-profit, but then again, money isn’t everything. I think I’ll have more personal satisfaction in this job than I would have had with the other. Plus, most of my professional experience has been with non-profits, so I know what to expect with them. What makes me even happier, too, is that now I don’t have to compartmentalize my last two years working in Japan. I can continue to use those teaching experiences to make my classroom in the U.S. better than it would have been otherwise. And getting paid to do something you love . . . well, that’s what we all want, isn’t it?