Advice from Father Zossima

"Love all God's creation, the whole and every grain in it. Love every leaf, every ray of God's light. Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love . . . Kiss the earth and love it with an unceasing, consuming love. Love all men, love everything. Seek that rapture and ecstasy . . . Don't be ashamed of that ecstasy, prize it, for it is a gift of God and a great one [.]"

(F. Dostoevsky, translated by Constance Garnett)

2014

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

A time to give birth and a time to die;

A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search and a time to give up as lost;

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;

A time to be silent and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time for war and a time for peace.

It Still Doesn’t Really Feel Like Christmas But I’ve Got My Friends So It’s Okay

Last year was my first Christmas back in the States from Japan, and I was bursting at the seams with Christmas spirit from December 1 until well into January. I did every Christmas-y thing possible and it filled me up with happiness and excitement. But this year, even though I’ve gone to holiday parties, decorated trees, seen church Christmas productions, sung Christmas songs, drunk as much eggnog and eaten as much fruitcake as possible, even read “The Dark is Rising” like I do every December. . . everything still feels far away. Yes, I’ve gotten glimpses of that childhood Christmas feeling this year, like when my friends and I went to Duke Homestead for an 1870s Christmas (albeit in 70 degree weather) or dressed up in shimmery attire to enjoy musical performances. But the overarching “It’s Christmas!” feeling is lacking for me this year.  

You know that old Christmas song with the line, “from now on our troubles will be miles away”? Well, this year, it seems, they’re not. The month of December really threw a curve ball to a lot of people in my life, giving them troubles that overshadow the light spirit that usually accompanies this season. As a child, even when my dad lost his job and we didn’t have any money, I was too caught up in myself to feel worried about it. As an adult, though, I can’t help but mourn as I see people I care about struggle with infertility, illness, heartbreak, ailing parents, doubt, divorce, and unemployment. I want to take it all away from them and give them joy. Could it be possible for us to forget all of these things for a day, and be able to enjoy the present moment? I’m not sure, but I hope so.

However, the joyous part, is that in the midst of the anxiety, uncertainty and sleepless nights, in the midst of one of the worst Decembers I have ever experienced, I still count myself as indescribably blessed. Somehow I have been gifted and surrounded by compassionate, caring people, who seem to know just what I need and when I need it. I feel overwhelmingly grateful for my friends and for the community that surrounds me. There have been times in my past when I felt like I had no one close to comfort me, but now, I have never felt alone. I only feel thankful.

I am thankful for L holding me tight and telling me it’s all going to be OK when I was wracked with sobs at her door

For S texting me I’ll be right over just when I needed her

For C and T and M and their concern 

For the instant connection I have with J and K, and their uncanny knack for explaining God to me in a way I hadn’t heard before

For NRCC and their welcoming arms and prayers

I am more grateful than I can ever say

When I felt overwhelmed and incapable, I was surrounded by competent people who knew what to do

When I felt broken and confused I had good counselors--or at least good sounding boards

When I was in a spiritual crisis searching desperately for my path and not knowing what to believe, I had numerous people supporting me

When I felt hopeless, I was given hope in that I am never alone

Today is Christmas Eve. I’m going to a service at my church this afternoon, and to Midnight Mass tonight. Tomorrow I'll go visit my mom, and it will be wonderful to reconnect. I hope that all who are suffering today find a bit of peace and rest, if only for a little bit. I am so lucky to have good people in my life even in the hard times. It doesn’t really feel like Christmas for me, but I think it does feel a little like Thanksgiving. 

A Most Awkward Goodbye Letter

Last year, when I first started teaching ESL, I was operating under a grant that allowed students to continue attending the same class for several semesters. Here in the 2013-2014 fiscal year, I'm working under a different grant, one that is fairly number-heavy. So, for the first time, I'm only allowing students to stay in class for one semester, so I can teach new students and serve as many as I am required to serve.

Yesterday was the last day of my last class of the semester. I gave the students their certificates and awards, we had a big party with lots of food, and the students showered me with Christmas presents and love. All except one woman. She, maybe 65 years old and a returning student who has spent 8 months in my class, surreptitiously slid a note on my desk while I wasn't looking, only to come up to me after class and say, "Read my note!"

When I came back to the office, I unpacked my things and opened it, written in pencil on a sheet of lined paper torn from a notebook. Her orthography is not perfect, but here it is, written just as she wrote it. The most awkward goodbye letter I've ever received from a student.

"La Parodia de los Estudiantes"

A donde iran, tristes y fatigados, los estudiantes, que de aqui se van. O si en el cielo se veran angustiadas. Cuando Dios nos llame y no poder entender. A la mejor Dios habla ingles? Unas nos veremos angustiadas, por no poder entender.  Otras fatigadas por el esfuerzo que hisimos y no pudimos aprender. Estos estuduiantes que de aqui se van. Triztes por no aprender. Se va la maestra no la volveremos a ver.
Gracias por todo el esfuerzo que hizo para que pudieramos hablar ingles. Nos vamos triztes y con muchas ganas de volver. Para unas el esfuerzo no fue en vano. Para otras fue dificil entender pero nos llevamos el esfuerzo que hicimos para poder entender.
Adios maestra adios.
Bendiciones."

Translation:

The Parody of the Students

Where will they go, sad and fatigued, the students, who leave this place? Will they be anguished in Heaven? When God calls us and we won't understand. Could it be that God speaks English? Some of us will go anguished for not being able to understand. Others exhausted by the effort we made but couldn't learn. These students leave from here. Sad that they can't learn. The teacher is leaving we won't see her again. Thank you for the effort you made so we could learn English. We are leaving sad and anxious to come back. For some, the effort was not in vain. For others, it was difficult to learn but we take with us the effort we made to try to understand.
Goodbye teacher goodbye.
Blessings.

Am I really that terrible of a teacher? Do my students really have such a low opinion of themselves? I do understand that many of the intermediate students feel badly because their test scores didn't go up as high as the lower students did (mostly because it's easy to make a level gain from Beginning to Intermediate, but hard to take that step from Intermediate to Advanced), but they shouldn't be so worried. Also, I don't like feeling like I've failed them.

I have a stack of presents and hugs from the other students, but this one letter is the one that worries me.

Hopefully next semester I won't disappoint them!

To Be in Love

Today I was at a store in Kernersville, killing time until my mom and stepdad got home and I could go to their house. I wandered around the aisles, glancing at the posterboard, shampoo, potato chips, whatever. Stopping in front of the cleaning supplies (do I need any of this? I asked in my head) I heard a couple talking from a few aisles over. They both sounded youngish; the guy with a loud, excited voice, and the girl, a lower, almost bored one.

“Don’t forget the dish detergent,” I hear her say.

“Done!” he shouts triumphantly. “What else do we need, baby?”
She mumbles something.

Again, he happily responds, “No problem! I’ll get you anything you want.”

They appear around the corner: both in their early 20s, the guy tall and heavily built, with thick plug earrings, both sides of his lips pierced, black hair, black jacket, combat boots. The girl is pretty, skinny, with blond hair, tight jeans, lip ring.

“Do you know how happy I am, baby?!” the guy breaks into a huge grin, wrapping his free arm around his girlfriend, the other one holding the shopping basket. “I got paid today, and I feel on top of the world!”

“I’m glad, too, sweetie,” she smiles.

“I oughta make you pay for these cigarettes and Fabuloso,” he teases, and kisses her hair. “But I’ll get it all.”

She punches him good-naturedly in the arm, and they walk off to the cash register to pay.

Something about this hardcore, punk rock couple in love struck a chord with me. I don’t know anything about their situation or their relationship. Maybe they fight all the time. Maybe they just met. Maybe the guy hasn’t had a job in six months and just now got one. In any case, he’s overjoyed that today was finally payday so he can buy his girl some cigarettes and Fabuloso so they can go home to smoke and clean. No matter what the background story is, he was full of joy tonight, and it was a beautiful thing to see.  

What I Love About My Job

There are always things people don't like about their jobs, and I could name them, too, but ya know, I think mine's got a lot of perks, in the grand scheme of things. In no particular order: 

1. On Mondays and Wednesdays, my first class, which is a 10-minute drive from my apartment, doesn't start until 10:00 a.m. This means I don't have to leave my house until 9:30, giving me an extra hour around the house to spend as I please. Sometimes this means washing dishes or straightening up. Often, it means an extra cup of coffee, yoga, or reading. (Don't worry, I make up for it by not taking a lunch those days.)

2. I have enough time between my morning and afternoon classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays to do 30 minutes of yoga in my empty classroom and still eat lunch. Before it got too cold and rainy, I was having a picnic outside on a blanket in a field behind the church twice a week. Fresh air, blue skies, good food, and a good book. And sometimes a free cup of coffee if the secretary makes it. 

3. Also on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have enough time to eat dinner and watch an episode of 30 Rock before my next class. 

4. Mileage reimbursement = free gas

5. My coworkers are fun and easy to work with. 

6. I can come to the office on no-class Fridays wearing jeans, a t-shirt, no makeup, and my hair in a ponytail and it's totally cool. No one to see, no one to impress but my computer and my papers. 

7. Sometimes (like, a couple times a year) we close the office early on Fridays and I'm home by 3:30.

7. My office is close enough to everything that going to the bank, supermarket, or post office during lunch or right after work is totally doable.

8. My students might annoy me sometimes (like when I have to explain how to conjugate "to be" 15 times a day) but for the most part, I love them all. Especially the students in my jail class who say funny things like, "We might kill someone, but we wouldn't ever rob anybody," as if that makes them win the Morality of the Year Award. And of course, the moments when I see that what I'm teaching is actually sticking, and I can see progress in their English ability, it makes it all worthwhile. 

9. Complete autonomy when it comes to lesson planning. No one tells me what to teach, so I can make a mix of life skills, grammar, vocabulary, literature, history, music and culture (all the things I love) and there's no problem. As long as students' test scores go up (which, invariably, they do), everyone is happy.

10. Not being in the office all day. Being able to go from site to site keeps me from being bored. And it makes the day go by faster. And I can do things like visit a roadside grill or farmers market in the middle of nowhere Wake County between classes.

See? There are always things to be grateful for. I'm never gonna make it rich working at a non-profit, but it definitely has its pluses! 

Autumn

Last autumn I was so busy apartment-hunting and then finally moving in, while at the same time getting settled into my new job, that I didn't have time to do anything autumn-y except go to the State Fair. This year I've got a vase of goldenrods sitting on my table with my pinecone candleholders, a weekend camping trip to the mountains planned, and a host of fall recipes waiting to be cooked. I want to savor this season before it slips away from me like I let happen last year.

Not that I don't have a lot going on, though. You've probably all heard how wretchedly busy I am this semester. I'm teaching four separate classes at the Literacy Council, plus my usual Wake Tech night class, all twice a week. Add to this the weekly updates I'm doing for the Wake Tech EL/Civics blog (two posts a week) and the mentoring I'm doing for a promising ESL student-teacher, and I've got something like a 60-hour work week facing me until Christmas. Throw in the 9-week Financial Peace class I'm taking at church every Wednesday night, and it's no wonder my friends complain that they never see me. It's stressful and tiring, but it has taught me how to be organized and manage my time. Ha! One of these days life will slow down . . . but until then, I have to relish these pockets of beauty and quiet when I can.

I love the fall, love the leaves turning colors, love the harvest food at the farmers market, love the big blue afternoon skies, the late afternoon sun going down that always reminds me of reading "Three Dreams and a Nightmare" outside in the field behind my house, wrapped up in a blanket on the ground until it got too dark to see. I'll miss the warmth of summer, but always welcome the nostalgic homeyness of fall.

"O suns and skies and clouds of June
And flowers of June together
Ye cannot rival for one hour
October's bright blue weather."

--Helen Hunt Jackson, 1831-1885