It Still Doesn’t Really Feel Like Christmas But I’ve Got My Friends So It’s Okay

Last year was my first Christmas back in the States from Japan, and I was bursting at the seams with Christmas spirit from December 1 until well into January. I did every Christmas-y thing possible and it filled me up with happiness and excitement. But this year, even though I’ve gone to holiday parties, decorated trees, seen church Christmas productions, sung Christmas songs, drunk as much eggnog and eaten as much fruitcake as possible, even read “The Dark is Rising” like I do every December. . . everything still feels far away. Yes, I’ve gotten glimpses of that childhood Christmas feeling this year, like when my friends and I went to Duke Homestead for an 1870s Christmas (albeit in 70 degree weather) or dressed up in shimmery attire to enjoy musical performances. But the overarching “It’s Christmas!” feeling is lacking for me this year.  

You know that old Christmas song with the line, “from now on our troubles will be miles away”? Well, this year, it seems, they’re not. The month of December really threw a curve ball to a lot of people in my life, giving them troubles that overshadow the light spirit that usually accompanies this season. As a child, even when my dad lost his job and we didn’t have any money, I was too caught up in myself to feel worried about it. As an adult, though, I can’t help but mourn as I see people I care about struggle with infertility, illness, heartbreak, ailing parents, doubt, divorce, and unemployment. I want to take it all away from them and give them joy. Could it be possible for us to forget all of these things for a day, and be able to enjoy the present moment? I’m not sure, but I hope so.

However, the joyous part, is that in the midst of the anxiety, uncertainty and sleepless nights, in the midst of one of the worst Decembers I have ever experienced, I still count myself as indescribably blessed. Somehow I have been gifted and surrounded by compassionate, caring people, who seem to know just what I need and when I need it. I feel overwhelmingly grateful for my friends and for the community that surrounds me. There have been times in my past when I felt like I had no one close to comfort me, but now, I have never felt alone. I only feel thankful.

I am thankful for L holding me tight and telling me it’s all going to be OK when I was wracked with sobs at her door

For S texting me I’ll be right over just when I needed her

For C and T and M and their concern 

For the instant connection I have with J and K, and their uncanny knack for explaining God to me in a way I hadn’t heard before

For NRCC and their welcoming arms and prayers

I am more grateful than I can ever say

When I felt overwhelmed and incapable, I was surrounded by competent people who knew what to do

When I felt broken and confused I had good counselors--or at least good sounding boards

When I was in a spiritual crisis searching desperately for my path and not knowing what to believe, I had numerous people supporting me

When I felt hopeless, I was given hope in that I am never alone

Today is Christmas Eve. I’m going to a service at my church this afternoon, and to Midnight Mass tonight. Tomorrow I'll go visit my mom, and it will be wonderful to reconnect. I hope that all who are suffering today find a bit of peace and rest, if only for a little bit. I am so lucky to have good people in my life even in the hard times. It doesn’t really feel like Christmas for me, but I think it does feel a little like Thanksgiving. 

A Most Awkward Goodbye Letter

Last year, when I first started teaching ESL, I was operating under a grant that allowed students to continue attending the same class for several semesters. Here in the 2013-2014 fiscal year, I'm working under a different grant, one that is fairly number-heavy. So, for the first time, I'm only allowing students to stay in class for one semester, so I can teach new students and serve as many as I am required to serve.

Yesterday was the last day of my last class of the semester. I gave the students their certificates and awards, we had a big party with lots of food, and the students showered me with Christmas presents and love. All except one woman. She, maybe 65 years old and a returning student who has spent 8 months in my class, surreptitiously slid a note on my desk while I wasn't looking, only to come up to me after class and say, "Read my note!"

When I came back to the office, I unpacked my things and opened it, written in pencil on a sheet of lined paper torn from a notebook. Her orthography is not perfect, but here it is, written just as she wrote it. The most awkward goodbye letter I've ever received from a student.

"La Parodia de los Estudiantes"

A donde iran, tristes y fatigados, los estudiantes, que de aqui se van. O si en el cielo se veran angustiadas. Cuando Dios nos llame y no poder entender. A la mejor Dios habla ingles? Unas nos veremos angustiadas, por no poder entender.  Otras fatigadas por el esfuerzo que hisimos y no pudimos aprender. Estos estuduiantes que de aqui se van. Triztes por no aprender. Se va la maestra no la volveremos a ver.
Gracias por todo el esfuerzo que hizo para que pudieramos hablar ingles. Nos vamos triztes y con muchas ganas de volver. Para unas el esfuerzo no fue en vano. Para otras fue dificil entender pero nos llevamos el esfuerzo que hicimos para poder entender.
Adios maestra adios.
Bendiciones."

Translation:

The Parody of the Students

Where will they go, sad and fatigued, the students, who leave this place? Will they be anguished in Heaven? When God calls us and we won't understand. Could it be that God speaks English? Some of us will go anguished for not being able to understand. Others exhausted by the effort we made but couldn't learn. These students leave from here. Sad that they can't learn. The teacher is leaving we won't see her again. Thank you for the effort you made so we could learn English. We are leaving sad and anxious to come back. For some, the effort was not in vain. For others, it was difficult to learn but we take with us the effort we made to try to understand.
Goodbye teacher goodbye.
Blessings.

Am I really that terrible of a teacher? Do my students really have such a low opinion of themselves? I do understand that many of the intermediate students feel badly because their test scores didn't go up as high as the lower students did (mostly because it's easy to make a level gain from Beginning to Intermediate, but hard to take that step from Intermediate to Advanced), but they shouldn't be so worried. Also, I don't like feeling like I've failed them.

I have a stack of presents and hugs from the other students, but this one letter is the one that worries me.

Hopefully next semester I won't disappoint them!