It Still Doesn’t Really Feel Like Christmas But I’ve Got My Friends So It’s Okay

Last year was my first Christmas back in the States from Japan, and I was bursting at the seams with Christmas spirit from December 1 until well into January. I did every Christmas-y thing possible and it filled me up with happiness and excitement. But this year, even though I’ve gone to holiday parties, decorated trees, seen church Christmas productions, sung Christmas songs, drunk as much eggnog and eaten as much fruitcake as possible, even read “The Dark is Rising” like I do every December. . . everything still feels far away. Yes, I’ve gotten glimpses of that childhood Christmas feeling this year, like when my friends and I went to Duke Homestead for an 1870s Christmas (albeit in 70 degree weather) or dressed up in shimmery attire to enjoy musical performances. But the overarching “It’s Christmas!” feeling is lacking for me this year.  

You know that old Christmas song with the line, “from now on our troubles will be miles away”? Well, this year, it seems, they’re not. The month of December really threw a curve ball to a lot of people in my life, giving them troubles that overshadow the light spirit that usually accompanies this season. As a child, even when my dad lost his job and we didn’t have any money, I was too caught up in myself to feel worried about it. As an adult, though, I can’t help but mourn as I see people I care about struggle with infertility, illness, heartbreak, ailing parents, doubt, divorce, and unemployment. I want to take it all away from them and give them joy. Could it be possible for us to forget all of these things for a day, and be able to enjoy the present moment? I’m not sure, but I hope so.

However, the joyous part, is that in the midst of the anxiety, uncertainty and sleepless nights, in the midst of one of the worst Decembers I have ever experienced, I still count myself as indescribably blessed. Somehow I have been gifted and surrounded by compassionate, caring people, who seem to know just what I need and when I need it. I feel overwhelmingly grateful for my friends and for the community that surrounds me. There have been times in my past when I felt like I had no one close to comfort me, but now, I have never felt alone. I only feel thankful.

I am thankful for L holding me tight and telling me it’s all going to be OK when I was wracked with sobs at her door

For S texting me I’ll be right over just when I needed her

For C and T and M and their concern 

For the instant connection I have with J and K, and their uncanny knack for explaining God to me in a way I hadn’t heard before

For NRCC and their welcoming arms and prayers

I am more grateful than I can ever say

When I felt overwhelmed and incapable, I was surrounded by competent people who knew what to do

When I felt broken and confused I had good counselors--or at least good sounding boards

When I was in a spiritual crisis searching desperately for my path and not knowing what to believe, I had numerous people supporting me

When I felt hopeless, I was given hope in that I am never alone

Today is Christmas Eve. I’m going to a service at my church this afternoon, and to Midnight Mass tonight. Tomorrow I'll go visit my mom, and it will be wonderful to reconnect. I hope that all who are suffering today find a bit of peace and rest, if only for a little bit. I am so lucky to have good people in my life even in the hard times. It doesn’t really feel like Christmas for me, but I think it does feel a little like Thanksgiving.