It's little stuff too that gets me down. Like yesterday. I went to Saty (supermarket) to pick up some things I need for dinner this weekend. I was in such a good mood, feeling like I knew what I was doing, I could get around, I had my dictionary on me so I could ask if nani-nani was there, and hey, I've been here almost FOUR MONTHS so I am no stranger any more. Ha. Ha. Ha. The problem was that everything I was looking for was so Western I couldn't find it anywhere. After 20 minutes of going up and down every aisle in the place and feeling people's eyes boring into me (which probably isn't even true, but I get paranoid), I left with just a few things. I didn't even get easy things like butter and milk because I didn't want to be there one minute longer! Then the cashier asked me a question and I looked at her blankly--I'm getting so good at that "what-did-you-just-say" expression. Luckily she repeated herself in English, and I was grateful.
I couldn't find black raspberry Jell-O at the other store either (I know, laugh, laugh, laugh). I did ask one of the salesladies if they had gelatin, though, and she showed me two packages. They looked plain, though, and I needed flavored. "Hang on a second," I muttered in English, fumbling around for my dictionary so I could find the word I was looking for, but couldn't find either one. She stood by politely, but I couldn't find the word I wanted to use, and I felt antsy and pressured. "Nevermind," I said in English, then in Japanese said, "It's okay. It's okay." I'm sure she wanted to help, but wasn't sure what I was looking for.
Today G and I went to Aeon to buy baking dishes and to have dinner. He waited for our hot plates to come out, and I went to McDonald's to get drinks and fries to go with it. I was trying to tell the cashier that I wanted two drinks: one large Coke and one small ginger ale. I obviously said the wrong thing, though, because she made TWO large Cokes to go with my ginger ale. And all I could do was stare dumbly at the tray and say in English, "But that wasn't. . . nevermind." I could have pressed the issue and explained myself, but it was so much easier just to pick up the tray and forgo the extra 200 yen. And I felt like my night was ruined. Because of one little incident!
It's just--oh! The incompetence! The impotence! The not being able to communicate, not to be able to say simple things in an understandable way. I could have lived in any of the 22 Spanish-speaking countries or 53 English-speaking ones, but no. I need a good challenge. Feeling incompetent is good for my over-inflated self-esteem.
So I have to say what I always say: Ganbarimasu! I'll keep trying......
ive been trying to control my highs, like rein them in, keep as balanced as possible - but sometimes, yeah, i just want on a plane back to sunny LA. :D thanks for your wise and articulate post :D ganbatte kudasai!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you feel. The first time I ever left my local area (NC, SC, and Virginia--at the time, I had not been outside of those areas) was when I went to Germany. I remember that I spent the first three days in my room. I came up with these awesome things to see and how cool I thought everything was but when I went to the bathroom, I would always ask the Germans, "What time is it?" in awkward German and then get scared and hide in my room again.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, if I ever make it back to Munich, I am going to speak to every single person I see just to make up for being in hiding those three days.
Communication really is difficult. The first high I had was when I ordered a beer at a festival after I had arrived in Trier. A female server (she was really cute too) gave me her number after I had spent 10 minutes trying to tell her two sentences.
I'm facing the challenge: not to give up. It's really difficult to learn a new language!
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